Choosing to understand
Got remorse? No
remorse, no guilt Fearing pain
The missing link
Sex ≠ love Human
connection Getting real
... it is the mechanical, thoughtless, heartless face of narcissistic abuse – devoid of human passions and of familiar emotions – that renders it so alien, so frightful and so repellent - Sam Vankin
As
humans, we feel some of our most intense fear when we encounter something that
doesn't make sense to us, and yet we sense it may hurt us. This is one reason we
have such difficulty conquering phobias towards creatures that act in
threatening, non-human ways...a snarling, stiff haired dog; a too-close, buzzing wasp; a distant
tornado; a hissing, rapidly moving snake.
We fear what we do not understand, especially if we know the
object has the power and ability to hurt us. Some humans who develop a strong
fear of dogs or stinging insects or snakes or weather will choose to study and
learn all they can about them. Why? We instinctively sense that if we can
understand the things we fear, we will be more empowered the next time we
encounter them. We'll be safer because knowledge = power.
Some people choose to study psychology for the same reason. If we've been hurt by people with socially unacceptable or "abnormal" traits, thought patterns and behaviors, we instinctively sense that if we can understand them, we will be more empowered the next time we encounter someone like them. Why? Knowledge = power over our fear.
Most
people unscathed by evil choose to believe the world is safe. They know
that basic lines have been drawn - visibly or invisibly - that tell us: "Behaviors on this side of the line are acceptable, they are
tolerable. Behaviors on the other side of the line are not
acceptable. They are wrong; they will not be tolerated."
If we have a conscience, we may sleep more peacefully if we have obeyed rules and laws that were created to protect us from others, and others from us. This includes traffic laws. But if we didn't obey the rules and laws, we might feel guilty and not sleep as well.
This especially applies to driving vehicles. Whenever we drive a multi-ton piece of fast-moving equipment, harming or ending the life of another human is frighteningly easy to do. It becomes even easier if we allow the more primitive parts of our brains to temporarily take over our behaviors. For instance,
maybe
we were very angry about how someone treated us unfairly or insensitively at work
or at school and another driver cut too quickly
in front of us and nearly clipped our front fender and we felt rage spurt up
inside...
or maybe we had one or two drinks or blunts or pills but we were pretty sure that we were still driving safely and it was only a couple more miles until we got home and we looked forward to parking the car and sleeping off the buzz...
or maybe we were so sleepy from several nights of tossing and turning in bed that we rolled down our vehicle's windows so the breeze would fill our nostrils and whip our hair around (if we had any), and we turned up the sound system full blast to keep ourselves awake, but still we caught ourselves nodding off for just a millisecond...and we kept shaking our head and telling ourselves we could handle it...and maybe we swerved over the side line and back into the lane, but instead of pulling off the road, we still kept telling ourselves we could handle it...
or maybe we felt confident because we're skilled at multi-tasking
so we didn't worry about texting back and forth with a friend as we sped along a multi-lane interstate...
or maybe we got out of the car and walked in the front door of our home, light-headed because we worked through lunch today, and the kids started running at us like guided missiles and there was too much noise and we felt nauseous and our head was pounding and the walls started closing in on us...
And if we have a conscience, we might lay in bed and remember how we hurt someone today. And even if we didn't, we might still feel guilt because we weren't as careful and responsible as we should have been. And maybe we resolve to be more careful tomorrow.
Victims know when they're being cruelly treated and victimizers are usually the unknowing majority. The sword does not feel the wound. The flesh on which that sword strikes does. The empirical, skeptical authority for cruelty is the victim and the victim alone - Philip Paul Hallie
But
other humans don't have a conscience. They don't care about how their behaviors could affect fellow humans.
So...
maybe they didn't worry that they had too much to drink and might hurt a fellow human or an animal out of their own negligence. Maybe they worried that there could be a police car hiding over the next hill and slowed down and drove more carefully - and then sped right back up when they noticed the police car wasn't there...
or maybe they didn't feel badly if they fell asleep for a millisecond and swerved off the road, destroying someone's mailbox. As long as they are okay, and their vehicle didn't have noticeable damage, and there were no witnesses, everything's still okay...
or maybe they didn't feel badly about having lost their temper when the kids ran towards them, making too much noise while the walls closed in. The kids knew they were being too loud and dinner should have already been on the table...
So when they go to sleep, they probably won't worry about what they did or might have done to others, as long as they are okay. Guilty thoughts don't exist in their world of pure survival.
Too often, we assume that if a person doesn't have a conscience, and doesn't feel guilt, the person lacks other emotions. This isn't true. Most people who do not have a conscience, and don't feel guilt, have developed ways to numb, or shut-down, their emotions because some of the feelings they do have are very intense.
As mentioned briefly in
Common symptoms of evil, most people who are found guilty of crimes defined as
"evil" by society are diagnosed with one of three main DSM-IV-TR®
Axis II, Cluster B personality disorders: Antisocial
Personality Disorder, Borderline
Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic
Personality Disorder.
A practical reason for avoiding recovery seems to be shared by many people with Axis II personality disorders: empathy and guilt hurt!
Unfortunately, pain is not the only emotion that these individuals may struggle to avoid. Another problematic emotion is fear, which often manifests as stress and anxiety. Many people with Axis II, Cluster B personality disorders seek therapy because they're sick and tired of struggling - in unsuccessful and unhealthy ways - with unpleasant symptoms of anxiety.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love - I John 4:18, NASB
Why do people with personality disorders have extra difficulty coping with anxiety and stress?
One common explanation is that they did not receive consistent or sufficient nurturing as babies.
When a young child does not experience repetitive emotional regulation while interacting with one or more primary caregivers, the child is less likely to develop close emotional relationships with other humans. As the child grows up, he/she is also less likely to: develop healthy attachments, trust others, feel empathy, and self-regulate.
In
general, caregivers do not withhold nurturing because they want to hurt
children. Some caregivers may not - at least for a while - be aware of a child's
emotional needs. This is most likely to occur when the caregiver is struggling
to meet two most basic levels of need: physiological needs, and safety and
security. (Click here
to learn more about Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.)
Some caregivers suffer from depression or other disabling mental illnesses. Some are grieving a serious loss - of a job, health, a relationship, financial security, the death of a loved one, or more. Some struggle with the effects of incarceration. Some struggle with the challenges of military duty. Some have substance addictions. Some have Axis II personality disorders. Some are coping with the effects of trauma and abuse. And some don't know how to provide emotional regulation because they never received it from their own childhood caregivers.
Bottom line: many caregivers are simply trying to survive. When caregivers are in survival mode (bottom two levels of Maslow's Hierarchy) and are struggling to cope with their own anxiety, grief, depression, addictions and more, they may not be able - yet - to recognize children's needs for nurturing and emotional regulation.
And so, if other caring adults do not recognize that the children's needs are not being met, and do not actively intervene on behalf of the children, those children will inevitably suffer. If the children do not receive emotional regulation, they will not learn how to self-regulate. If they grow up - still not knowing how to self-regulate - chances are strong that they will turn to unhealthy addictions to cope with unpleasant symptoms of stress and anxiety.
One of the most satisfying regulatory addictions is
sex.
During sexual interactions, most
humans rub against other's warm, soft bodies and
feel powerfully validated. They know - at least for the moment - that they are
definitely alive. They may also bare their bodies; for some people, this is a
symbolic act of baring their souls to their partners because they want to enjoy
the sensation of being wanted and accepted for who they truly are.
People who did not experience childhood emotional regulation often struggle with the harmful and lasting effects of sensory deprivation. Unfortunately, sensory deprivation is often linked, in a child's mind, with the inaccurate belief that the child is not wanted. The need to feel wanted and accepted is a crucial part of human survival.
This may be one reason why children who experience neglect seem less likely to report to caregivers if they are befriended, and then seduced, by pedophiles. Children usually do not understand that they are being lied to by pedophiles who explain that sexual interactions are the pedophile's way of expressing love towards the child. Children who are sensory deprived may dissociate the unpleasant portions of the sexual interactions and focus on the pleasant physical sensations - such as orgasms and a temporary respite from anxiety. They may even misinterpret the pleasurable sensations as "proof" that they are wanted and are loved and do have a place in this world.
Sex addiction is equally powerful for adults who experienced sensory deprivation as children, because it can involve every possible sensory experience: Sight. Sound. Touch. Movement. Smell. Taste. Warmth and coolness. Pain and pleasure. Movement back and forth. Internal and external pressures and sensations. Stress-busting orgasms. And afterwards...full-body relaxation and mental peace. So far, so good.
Unfortunately, STDs abound. And an unexpected pregnancy may occur. And sex addicts can experience other serious complications if the sexual activities violate social mores and standards and laws. And yet, like all true addicts, they may continue to feed their addiction by going from one experience to the next, to the next, seeking emotional regulation that never lasts.
One important step in recovering from any addiction is to learn - and use - the skill of self-regulation. We can do this by learning relaxation techniques. As we learn how to relax our minds and bodies, we develop an intimate awareness of our body's other pleasurable sensations...this time, from the inside-out. We learn more effective ways to cope with our stress, anxiety, and chronic pain. We discover that we no longer need outside people to meet our needs for sensory stimulation and validation. Best of all, we develop a new or stronger internal locus of control that can benefit us for the rest of our lives.
I am a rock, I am an island...and a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries - Simon and Garfunkel
The hardest and most painful part of recovery is shedding the false facade(s) that we have carefully created to protect our soul from being hurt and rejected. But that pain is dwarfed by an even greater pain of spending the rest of our lives feeling lonely and disconnected from others. Even if we are sociopaths and have a few friends who - like us - do not feel empathy or remorse, we know that those friends can never fill our unmet need to emotionally connect gut-to-gut with other humans.
The
famous Christian author, C. S. Lewis, wrote a series of books for children, Chronicles
of Narnia. In The Voyage
of the Dawn Treader, a boy named Eustace
was a
cousin of the series' main characters. Eustace selfishly abandoned and betrayed
his companions. All alone, he went to sleep and woke up to find himself
magically clad in a thick layer of dragon skin and scales. Miserable and in
great pain, and acutely aware of his lifetime of loneliness, Eustace finally faced himself.
He realized that he wanted to be with the other children. He tried to approach
them, but they were frightened by his threatening, dragonlike appearance. They
couldn't see the little boy trapped inside the fierce dragon facade.
Because Eustace didn't want to be lonely, and because he was in pain, he tried to scratch off the dragon facade. But he couldn't do it...there were too many layers of scales. As he reached the end of his abilities, he was approached - and confronted - by the mighty Aslan, the children's omniscient guardian and protector. Using his teeth and claws, Aslan tore the thick dragon flesh off, causing the worst pain Eustace had ever felt. But it was worth the pain...Eustace's newly exposed boy skin was restored to its original softness. And after Eustace admitted his serious betrayal to his companions, and was forgiven by them, he experienced - for the first time - emotional intimacy. He still had times of being alone after that, but he didn't have to be lonely anymore.
Choosing to face and acknowledge our layers upon layers of lies and con games is a lot like Eustace's excruciating experience. After years of lying to ourselves and everyone else, we may discover - to our horror - that we do not have enough strength, because being totally honest about ourselves with others may be the most painful and terrifying act we will ever perform.
Like
Eustance, we may have to ask for help from others to complete the
transition. But before we ask, we may need reassurance that the people we
approach will continue to "be there" for
us after we communicate who we really are, and disclose the sins that we have
committed against
ourselves, our higher power, and others.
12-step recovery groups can be especially helpful during this phase of the healing journey. Most meetings are free and a group is almost always available in ones community. 12-step recovery groups are especially important for survivors who need to experience being accepted for who they really are. An added bonus is that most groups have members who are "long-timers"...people who have worked very hard on their own recoveries, and have chosen to actively help newcomers become - and remain - their most genuine selves.
Whether or not we are willing to admit it, we all have facades behind which we hide our most genuine and vulnerable selves. That's part of human survival.
Some
of us may live behind a thick facade, believing that we must consistently present a
fake self to survive in a world that is - in our own minds - dangerous and
deadly. Like the Wizard of Oz, we may protect our vulnerabilities, keeping them
behind a thick curtain or wall of protection. We may even develop a complete
double life, or series of false lives, to stay safe.
We may choose to constantly lie to others about who - and what - we really are. After all, if they don't really know us, they cannot hurt us. We may also choose to exert tight control over our lives and the lives of others around us, to feel safer. And yet, we never feel safe enough to really relax, without relying on stress-relieving addictions.
We
may feel threatened if someone starts to figure us out and tries to pull at our
thick facade. We may respond by adding even more layers of dishonesty to our
facade. And yet, we may act-out in self-sabotaging ways, as if unconsciously
daring people to find the child - hidden way down inside - who still needs to be
known and loved and accepted for who he/she really is.
Some of us are very fortunate. We never had to fake who we are. We never had to separate from our soft, innocent child self. We had good childhoods and grew up safe and supported and nurtured. We always felt comfortable inside our skin. Unfortunately, we're a minority.
Over time, most people develop a facade with multiple layers, but for some of us, the facade isn't thick. Those of us who have facades that aren't very thick may have experienced some trials and traumas, including occasional rejections and abuse...but nothing that was terribly painful.
Those of us with not-thick facades may continue to use our protective layers to stay safe, but we allow most people to know us.
Those of us who are in active recovery may be learning how to safely shed our protective layers, one at a time. Each time we shed another layer of defense, we're getting more real.
Some survivors haven't learned how to protect themselves. It's important to be self-protective, because evil does exist in our world.
If we have already been hurt by an encounter with evil, we know - too well - that we must not remove old protective facades until after we've developed healthy new boundaries, and social and life skills, that we can use to protect ourselves from being deeply wounded in the future.
Some recovering survivors have developed so many boundaries, and social and life skills, that they feel confident enough to let their facades be sheer and nearly see-through. Some survivors have become full-fledged WYSIWYGs (what-you-see-is-what-you-get).
As our healing journey continues, we may discover that the more we are accepted and loved - by others - for who we truly are, the more we can relax and let go of our remaining protective facades.
We're finally getting real.
Disclaimer
No part of the Healing Journey recovery website is to be used as a substitute for professional therapy. If you need professional support, please contact a qualified ministerial or mental health professional. Materials in this website may be printed or copied for personal use only. Readers are welcome to agree or disagree with any statements made in this website, and may benefit from sharing and discussing them with support persons.