A word of hope
About this webpage Evil
and the DSM Beyond
"regular" abuse Betrayal
trauma
Unique and separate Numbness
Drawn to evil Deliverance
Self-blame Isolation
Shame Rage
Bottom line
Regardless
of the number of encounters with evil that survivors have experienced, and
regardless of the intensity of some of those
encounters, I truly believe that every survivor can experience healing -
to some degree - as long as he/she is still alive.
I believe this, because I have witnessed remarkable recoveries in the minds and souls of adult survivors who were born into some of the worst possible childhoods...and started their healing journey decades later.
I believe that the innate determination to heal is encoded in our DNA. I suspect that we experience our greatest stress and anxiety when we try to resist the natural healing flow that I believe is in us and all around us.
I also believe that something strange and wonderful happens when we experience trauma, and then recover from it. As we follow our natural healing path, we may discover that we have become better and stronger human beings than who we were before the trauma occurred. Although I doubt that any survivor would volunteer to re-experience their trauma, most survivors seem to understand - after they have been in recovery for a sufficient time - that good things can develop from the worst possible experiences.
Although the list of symptoms on this webpage is not meant to
be comprehensive, nor is it based on scientific research, I believe
that survivors of encounters with evil may find important
validations that can help them understand - and be more patient with - themselves.
If you are a survivor and feel disturbed by any materials in this webpage, please contact and discuss your reaction with a support person.
More information about the effects of encounters with evil has been documented by researchers who developed a series of Extreme Abuse Surveys. Each survey was completed by more than a thousand survivors living in various countries.
Click here to learn more about the Extreme Abuse surveys and documented results. Warning: some information in the Extreme Abuse Survey web pages may be very triggering for trauma and abuse survivors. If you are a survivor, please review those pages the first time with a support person.
In the past, most people who committed sensationalized acts of evil (as defined by their society) were labeled "psychopathic" or "sociopathic". Currently, neither word is a proper DSM diagnosis; instead, diagnoses most likely to fit adults found guilty of acts of evil are: Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
This does not mean that people diagnosed with one or more of these Axis II/Cluster B personality disorders will commit acts of evil. What it does mean is that people with these particular personality disorders have significantly more difficulty interacting in "normal" society because they have not yet developed basic social skills and abilities that help most people to refrain from taking advantage of - or otherwise harming - fellow humans.
Survivors
of encounters with evil often discover that they do not fit-in when they attempt
to participate, and share, in support groups for survivors of
"regular" abuse. These negative experiences can leave them feeling
even more lonely and isolated.
Some survivors cope with the sense of "otherness" by holding back on information about the more extreme abuse they have suffered, and only share about abuse that others in the group have experienced. Other survivors give-up on participating in a group format, and choose to share one-on-one with a professional therapist or minister.
Although most mental health professionals still do not specialize in trauma recovery, many therapists have become equipped - through specialized training and workshops - to identify and treat traumatic abuse survivors' special needs. (Click here to view a website that offers free Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy training for mental health professionals.)
Some of the words or phrases that can be used to describe traumatic abuse are: complex trauma, developmental trauma, interpersonal trauma, and betrayal trauma.
Wounds created by encounters with evil seem to be more difficult to heal. Fortunately, Dr. Jennifer Freyd developed a theory about betrayal trauma that may help to explain the uniqueness of these specific mental/emotional/spiritual wounds.
Dr. Freyd and her associates reported that when a person is deliberately betrayed by one or more persons, or institutions, that are expected by society to protect and/or nurture the victim, the victim's resulting psychic pain will usually be more intense and devastating.
Although Dr. Freyd's research supports the hypothesis that betrayal trauma is the primary underlying factor for the development of certain dissociative disorders, I also believe that betrayal trauma is often the underlying cause of suicidal impulses in many survivors who have been wounded by encounters with evil.
I believe that the knowledge that we have deliberately been betrayed by people or institutions charged with our care can - at times - seem too painful to bear. I also believe that many survivors who experience the devastating pain of betrayal trauma will incorrectly assume that they were targeted because they were not good enough, or deserving enough, to receive protection and care from the perpetrators who did provide care and protection to others - but not to them.
Every
survivor has a unique story that cannot be duplicated, because being harmed by
evil is a unique experience. Sometimes, that sense of uniqueness can hinder a
survivor's ability to communicate about the experience to others who have not been
harmed in similar ways.
Some perpetrators even attempt to convince victims that they were chosen because they were unique or special. Unfortunately, when the victims are young children, they are especially likely to internalize such messages from perpetrators.
Although
many survivors will not remember the numbing-out part of the encounter; afterwards,
they may desire experiences that help them to remain numb to their deep pain and
shame. Smoking,
alcohol
and drug addictions are common. Many survivors exercise to the extreme. Some
become addicted to pain; some self-mutilate. Some survivors become addicted to
going into trance-states. Many survivors become addicted to unsafe sex.
Some develop bulemia...with the added bonus of being able to symbolically purge
shame, via vomiting, from their bodies.
One of the biggest problems with trying to stay numb is that it never lasts long enough. Another problem is that we soon are unable to enjoy pleasant sensations and experiences.
Some survivors replicate the original horror - especially if it included sexual violation - by choosing sex with partners who are cruel and dominating. Some survivors - especially those who have harmed by sadists - become addicted to having their bodies pierced and tattooed and otherwise mutilated by fellow humans.
Some survivors experiment with religions - such as Paganism, Luciferianism,
Freemasonry and Satanism - that include power-based rituals. Some survivors
choose to actively participate because they desire to experience control over
the evil that wounded them. Some survivors participate because they desire to
use spiritual powers to avenge themselves against those who had harmed them and
loved ones.
Some survivors seek other "dark" activities or environments in which they can experience domination more directly. (For instance, although some survivors become submissive members of S&M relationships, others become abusive dominatrixes.)
Although these experiences can initially help survivors experience a delicious sense of power over others, continued involvement in any activity that involves secrecy and socially unacceptable activities will usually lead to the survivor being coerced, blackmailed, and otherwise victimized by new perpetrators.
Some
survivors become involved in a spiritual
deliverance
ministry. They may disown or fear the feelings of
terror, hopelessness, and helplessness that they experienced during the original trauma,
and may then unconsciously relive that part of the trauma by performing
deliverance sessions
or exorcisms with
people they believe are inhabited by evil. This is one way of trying to cope with
the knowledge that evil is always present in the world. Often, survivors
become involved in deliverance ministries after they observe, or experience, a
deliverance session.
There are many books on deliverance from evil (e.g., Pigs in the Parlor) that negatively instill, or reinforce, survivors' beliefs that if they feel specific physical trauma symptoms from the original encounter, they are experiencing the presence of spiritual evil (e.g., hair standing up on ones forearms or the nape of ones neck). Unfortunately, some survivors are actively encouraged to become obsessed with identifying (e.g., discerning) and prayerfully expelling evil entities that they believe are either lurking inside, or are attached to, the bodies of fellow humans.
People who commit acts of evil are not - while they commit the acts - respecters of persons. Humans who do not feel empathy do not care if a targeted victim is little or big, young or elderly, male or female, healthy or unhealthy, strong or vulnerable. Evil targets a victim because evil has a specific need, and believes the victim can meet that need.
Unfortunately, some
victims of encounters with evil will personalize the experience. They may believe they
attracted the evil. They may blame themselves for having been
targeted. This kind of magical thinking is common among survivors: "If I had only done something different, or been somewhere different,
or been someone different, it wouldn't have happened to me."
A major source of self-blame among survivors of childhood sexual abuse is this: sometimes sexual abuse can feel very, very good. Anyone who has experienced a pleasurable orgasm knows that the experience can temporarily short-circuit the "thinking" part of ones brain. It's a primal experience that can easily become addictive.
When children are groomed and manipulated by skilled sexual perpetrators to enjoy - and desire - orgasms, the children may not understand that they are being abused. Abuse is supposed to feel bad...if the act results in sexual pleasure, it can't be abuse because it feels good!
Another reason that victims of sexual abuse are more likely to self-blame is that most sexual perpetrators refuse to own their guilt. In fact, many perpetrators of child sexual abuse - including most pedophiles - work to convince themselves and their victims that the victims are responsible for the perpetrators' behaviors.
For instance: in the upside-down world of organized pedophilia, it is not uncommon for such organizations to publicly demand that laws against adult-child sex be overturned because - they argue - children naturally desire sex with adults.
Again, this is where the truth must be remembered: although children are born with the ability, and natural desire, to self-stimulate sexually, children do not naturally desire sex with adults. If - on rare occasion - a child approaches an adult and expresses a desire for sexual interaction with the adult, it is the adult's responsibility to teach appropriate physical boundaries to the child in a non-shaming way. And it is also important for any adult who becomes confused about sexual boundaries with any child - to become knowledgeable about appropriate sexual boundaries with children.
In the real world, when adults choose to violate society's boundaries and laws and condition children to become addicted to sexual stimulation, those adults are - in every sense of the law - guilty; the children are innocent.
Some children who remain convinced that sexual interactions between perpetrators and themselves are natural and okay are at risk of becoming perpetrators as they age. Children who believe - during the abuse, or later - that the interactions are morally unacceptable, may develop an unhealthy sense of shame if their conditioned desire for sexual stimulation continues to dominate their life. Some children will develop a severe dissociative disorder if they buy-into their society's rules that sexual interactions with adults is immoral and unforgiveable...and yet, the conditioning is so powerful that they must continue to accept - or seek - sexual stimulation from the perpetrators.
Sadly, we may never know the percentage of child victims who - when they grow up - continue to interact sexually with "their" original perpetrators...or with other people who strongly remind them of the perpetrators. This is, in part, because our society is unfairly punitive towards survivors of sexual abuse who were conditioned, by skilled perpetrators, to develop powerful sexual addictions. Such survivors will need consistent, nonjudgmental support to free themselves from long-term sex addictions and from unhealthy relationships. Survivors of sexual abuse may also require help - from licensed sex therapists and confidential 12-step groups - to fully free themselves from the vicious trap of self-blame.
Some survivors
choose to withdraw from all other humans
- other than the possible exception of close family and friends. Some survivors
believe that if they stop associating with other humans, they will avoid being
hurt again. Some develop agoraphobia.
Some will continue to interact with others like they did before the trauma, but will do so on a more superficial level. It's not uncommon for unhealed survivors to choose to bond and interact with smaller animals, because animals are safer, and are easier to physically control.
Often, survivors who feel deep shame cannot bear to have the shame reinforced or validated by others. If the survivors believe that it's better for them to be in control of the seemingly inevitable rejection experience, they may influence caring people to reject them first so that they will have a better chance of surviving the gut-wrenching pain of being rejected.
Many
people confuse the emotions of shame
and guilt. Here's one way to figure out which of the emotions we're feeling:
 | If it's guilt, we feel badly about something we shouldn't have done, but did (an act of commission); or we feel badly about something we should have done, but didn't (an act of omission). |
| If it's shame, we feel badly about who we are. |
Guilt is a healthy and productive emotion. We can use the uncomfortable feeling of guilt to motivate ourselves to behave in a more helpful manner the next time we encounter the same situation. We can also use it to motivate ourselves to make amends to others we have hurt through an act of commission or omission.
Shame is an unhealthy and potentially destructive emotion. Although healing from shame can sometimes be a slow process, we can eventually feel much better about ourselves.
Perhaps the most important thing we can do, to heal ourselves from the pain of shame, is to spend less time with people who influence us to feel bad about ourselves, and more time with people who influence us to feel worthy of caring, love and acceptance.
Some
survivors - especially survivors of sadistic abuse -
were so intensely and repeatedly violated
and betrayed by fellow humans that they have developed intense rage. Often, the rage is accompanied by shame.
When survivors externalize their rage, they may behave destructively towards property. They may behave abusively towards others. They may behave maliciously and sadistically. They may become homicidal.
When survivors internalize their rage, they may appear depressed. They may self-mutiliate or harm their bodies in other overt or covert ways. They may behave in submissive, dependent, and passive-aggressive ways towards others. They may become suicidal.
As survivors of encounters with evil begin to recover, they often experience significant changes in their level of energy when they start to unbury, or tap-into, their hidden reservoir of rage.
Comparing rage to anger is like trying to compare terror to anxiety. Until a person experiences rage in ones own body, one truly cannot understand how powerful the emotion - and its physical and mental energy - can be.
Many survivors of encounters with evil - who suffer from the effects of pent-up rage energy - are initially misdiagnosed with one or more neurobiological, energy-related mental illnesses (e.g., bipolar disorder, chronic depression, ADHD, and ADD) before they receive a more accurate diagnosis that "fits" their abuse or trauma history. Some survivors are never properly diagnosed.
Although some psychotropic medications for neurobiological, energy-related mental illnesses can be helpful for some survivors who struggle with the effects of repressed rage energy, others report that these medications make their hyperactivity or mania worse.
If this happens to you, and you know that you are a survivor of abuse or trauma, you may need to explain to the prescribing professional that the medication is making your symptoms worse and that you need more effective treatment to help you to deal with - and overcome - the effects of your experiences of abuse or trauma.
Unlike people who suffer from a genuine neurobiological energy-related mental illness, survivors often discover - after they have sufficiently worked through their abuse or trauma histories - they no longer need prescription medications for depression, mania or hyperactivity.
Another problem with rage-energy is that until we learn how to feel and vent it in healthy and productive ways, it gets us into trouble. If we push it down, we become very depressed and are unable to cope with the world around it. If we try to soothe it through unhealthy addictions, we're basically putting a bandaid on a volcano. If we give up on trying to push it down, and openly express it, we often end up hurting ourselves or others.
Unfortunately, in most parts of our society, rage is not an acceptable emotion. Survivors often have to suppress their rage because society does not provide healthy outlets to express and vent survivor-rage. Because rage-energy is usually what gets survivors into trouble, finding healthy and socially acceptable outlets for our powerful rage-energy will continue to be a vital part of our recovery from the abuse or trauma.
When survivors of encounters with evil are not able to find healthy outlets, and continue to express their rage in harmful or destructive ways towards themselves or others, they may need to consult with a professional who specializes in helping abuse and trauma survivors to cope more effectively with the effects of abuse and trauma.
Getting actively involved in therapy, twelve-step groups, and other recovery programs can help survivors to more effectively take charge of their lives, develop healthier relationships with others, and gradually heal themselves.
Disclaimer
No part of the Healing Journey recovery website is to be used as a substitute for professional therapy. If you need professional support, please contact a qualified ministerial or mental health professional. Materials in this website may be printed or copied for personal use only. Readers are welcome to agree or disagree with any statements made in this website, and may benefit from sharing and discussing them with support persons.